Listening deeply starts with knowing who’s speaking inside.

Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I say that?” or “That didn’t feel like me”? Maybe you snapped when you meant to connect, or overexplained when you just wanted to be understood. Maybe you said yes to something that wasn’t right for you, only to feel resentful later.

These moments aren’t failures. They’re invitations.

Most of us have an internal cast of characters — different parts of ourselves that step in when we feel vulnerable, overwhelmed, or uncertain. In Transactional Analysis, these are referred to as ego states, inner voices shaped by life experiences. Each one tries to help in its own way. But not all of them are meant to lead.

The part of us best equipped to guide with clarity and care is the Healthy Adult Ego. When the Adult is in charge, everything changes. Conversations soften. Boundaries become clearer. And perhaps most importantly, we begin to understand ourselves, instead of just reacting to the world around us.

What Are Ego States?

Ego states are patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that come from different phases of our development. Some are wise and grounded. Others are raw or reactive. All of them carry something important, if we learn to listen.

At One Change Group, we work with five primary ego states:

1. The Healthy Adult

This is your calm, grounded, present self. The Adult is aware of what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing in real time. It holds space for discomfort, makes thoughtful decisions, and sees the big picture. Most importantly, the Adult seeks to understand your inner world, your relationships, and what’s truly needed in each moment.

When the Adult leads, we:

• Respond instead of react.
• Set boundaries without guilt.
• Stay connected to our values, even in times of stress.
• Listen inwardly before we speak outwardly.
• Are present in the here and now, and choose love over fear.

The Adult doesn’t silence other parts, it holds them gently and says, “I see you. I’ve got this.”

2. The Critical Parent

This state often comes with a stern voice, focused on rules, judgment, or control. It might sound like:

• “You should have known better.”
• “Don’t be so sensitive.”
• “That’s not good enough.”

It learned to protect you by keeping you in line, but often does so at the cost of compassion. It can be directed at others, but more often turns inward, fueling thoughts of shame and self-criticism. Your Adult can step in to ask: “Is this voice helping, or hurting?” and offer a more balanced response.

3. The Over-Nurturing Parent

This part aims to help, comfort, and soothe, but can overextend, overfunction, and lose sight of its boundaries. It might whisper:

• “If I don’t fix it, who will?”
• “I need to make them feel better, no matter what.”

It often confuses caretaking with connection. When the Adult steps in, it gently reminds us: “Support doesn’t mean self-sacrifice. We can care deeply and still protect our own well-being.”

4. The Adolescent

Fierce, reactive, and independent, the Adolescent craves autonomy, authenticity and safety. It expresses itself through sarcasm, defensiveness, anger, withdrawal, or defiance. You might hear:

• “You don’t understand.”
• “Forget this, I’m done.”

This part wants to be seen and respected, but often lacks the tools to express vulnerability. Underneath its edge is a longing to be heard. The Adult helps by saying, “I get it. Let’s slow down and find a way to say this differently.”

5. The Child Heart

Raw, expressive, and deeply vulnerable and sensitive. This part holds your earliest emotional needs: love, safety, belonging, and wonder. It may show up as joy, fear, mad, hurt, or longing.
It often asks:

• “Am I okay?”
• “Will you stay with me?”

The Child doesn’t need advice; it requires presence. The Adult wraps around it with warmth, saying, “You are safe. I see you. You matter.”

When the Adult Leads, We Listen Differently

Every ego state is trying to protect or express something important. But when one takes over completely, our internal system falls out of balance. That’s when we react rather than reflect, overgive rather than set limits, or push others away when what we want is closeness.

The Healthy Adult creates space.

• • Space to listen.
  • Space to breathe.
  • Space to seak understanding.
  • Space to choose a different way.

It says:

• “Let me understand before I respond.”
• “Let me get curious about what I’m feeling, and what you’re feeling too.”

That kind of listening changes everything.

A Real-Life Shift

Recently, I caught myself mid-conversation trying too hard to explain my point; my shoulders were tense, and my voice was clipped. Later, I realized: my Adolescent was in charge. It was a craving for respect and an attempt to avoid the vulnerability of being misunderstood.

• I paused. Took a breath. Let my Adult take the wheel.
• Instead of defending myself, I said, “I want to understand better what felt hard for you.”

The whole energy changed.
Because when our Adult leads, we stop needing to be “right”, we start seeking connection.

Final Thought

You are not just one voice. You are many parts, each with its own history, hope, and need. But within you is a steady, spacious place where those voices can be heard and held. That’s your Healthy Adult.

The more you tune in and let it lead, the more you’ll find yourself responding with clarity, care, and curiosity.

The Healthy Adult doesn’t overpower.

• It listens.
• It steadies.
• And most of all, it understands.

With presence and heart,
Jodie