“I should be able to keep up.”
“I should be able to handle this.”
“I shouldn’t need so much help.”

Maybe you’ve said one of these things when a task took longer than expected, or when you needed to change plans. A hard day can feel even heavier when you’re also judging yourself for struggling.

Living with a disability means I have to think about what I can manage and where I’ll need help. That was part of our recent trip to Turkey, Greece, and Italy for a family wedding and time away. It’s part of everyday life at home, too.

It can be hard to ask for what we need when we’re busy telling ourselves we shouldn’t need it.

Try this with one thought:

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT, there’s a practice called cognitive defusion. It means learning to notice a thought without automatically treating it as a fact or an instruction.

Try changing “I should be able to get through this without help” to “I’m having the thought that I should be able to get through this without help.”

Say both versions slowly. Notice whether the second gives you a little distance from the judgment. You don’t have to make the thought disappear or convince yourself that everything is fine.

Then ask yourself what you want to do and what would help. ACT connects this with our values. For example, you may value being honest with people you care about, even when admitting you’re struggling feels uncomfortable.

What could that look like?

You want to go out with friends, but the plan involves too much walking. Could you suggest somewhere with seating or ask about a shorter route? At work, you might need written instructions to refer back to when concentration is difficult. And if you’ve been telling everyone you’re fine, you could start with one person you trust: “I’m having a harder time than I’ve let on. Could we talk?”

Sometimes the help we need is practical. Sometimes it’s an appointment with a counselor or another healthcare provider. You can start by explaining what has been difficult.

Disability Awareness at Work

October is National Disability Employment Awareness Month. For a workplace, that means looking at everyday details. Can people get into the space and use the technology? Are instructions clear? When someone asks for a change, are they heard?

Some disabilities are apparent; others aren’t. Mental health conditions can also be disabling. We don’t learn what someone needs by looking at them or comparing them with another person.

If you supervise a team or organize an event, share access information ahead of time and ask what would help. Someone might need captions, breaks, accessible seating, or written instructions. Work with the person on a practical response.

And if the building is inaccessible or a request has been dismissed, that problem needs attention. This exercise won’t fix it. Acceptance in ACT doesn’t mean putting up with mistreatment. You may need to ask for a change or get support in speaking up.

When “I should be able to” shows up, take a moment with these questions:

• What am I telling myself I should be able to do?
• What is making it difficult today?
• What do I want to do, and what would help?

If you want to make a request, try: “I want to be involved. Could we talk about a way to make this workable?” Or simply: “I could use some help figuring out where to start.”